OBSESSIONS

1/21/26

Sometimes I become what my daughter calls unnecessarily obsessive about my grandchildren’s – girls – safety. I worry that some male will spoil their youth and send them into womanhood with the fears of male domination, savagery, abuse. I know it is because I have never gotten over my own experiences with these things and carry the scars, physical, mental and psychological. These do not leave. These behaviors cripple you and affect every relationship, action, every sleep, and now they have entered my view of the safety of my girls.  When I was part of the feminist movement.  I belonged to a group of women who provided safe spaces for abused women.  One of the things I noticed was that these women always returned to their abusers.  There was an addiction that occurred, an addiction to the abuse.  I couldn’t understand why, even though I myself was not far off from being just like them. So did the slaves love their “slavedom”.  No there was always a point when the desire to escape became greater.  Like mine did. After a while, I had to stop being a part of that group because I couldn’t understand how to really help these women, make them understand that this was not love. I had learned that the hard way but I couldn’t give that learning away. There are lots of organizations now that do this work and save the lives of many women.  Thanks to the women who started this service and those who continue to give it. But getting back to the real fear I am carrying around.  How do you teach young women about this.  They have no fear, they have no understanding of the power of the male physical and mental ability to seduce. My daughter tells me that I am putting it out there and that means I am actually calling it into being.  That is one of the psychological ways of looking at it. But when it happened to me, I was young and innocent, unafraid of the world, thought I could accomplish anything. And then it was taken from me, like a sword had pierced my chest and womb, leaving scars I still carry to this day, leaving me with anger and hate and a lot of negative feelings towards most men – the men who feel superior, the men who have to be in control, the men to whom a woman is just a trophy. Then along comes someone who is gentle, who wipes away the pain, who wakes you gently from your screaming nightmares with kisses and tenderness, who gives you his heart and soul and you are temporarily healed, scarred, but healed.

Oh grand daughters enjoy your innocence. Look for a lover and hope and watch and wait. Let your instinct and intellect guide you to the front of the battle, keep your armor shining clean and wary, no blinders, no magic stories, no prince charmings,  no Daddy’s, no mommys.  Because one always has to be on guard, holding onto your true self, that deep inner core that is “you”.

To those whose gender is not like mine this story can also apply to you. Abuse does not have a color or sex. It comes in all sizes too. Why does one human being need to treat another in this way I will not venture to discuss that here. I have no answers.